“Sunday Christians” is the name I would give my family when I was growing up. I was confused how we went to church every Sunday but we didn’t really practice any of the things we learned at church. It was just important that we go but as soon as church was over, we were like any other family. Nothing would indicate we were Christians. When I was eight, I accepted Christ into my heart and was baptized in our Baptist church so I could assure myself I was not going to hell. I didn’t really understand that accepting Christ meant that I had to completely give my life to Him because I was a sinner and needed a Savior. I just wanted the comfort of knowing my future was taken care of.
I was a good kid and felt that added to my security in my place in heaven. I didn’t read the Word and remember saying that I just didn’t understand it. College was a time where I tried to fit in with all my friends. I didn’t look any different than any other non-believer. I did things that I totally regret today, among one is not acknowledging that I knew Jesus and had asked Him into my heart. I lived a life that didn’t show any fruit for Christ, but I still felt I was on a path to heaven and my future was secure.
Being a planner, I had life figured out. I met my husband and we planned the perfect timeline for our lives and careers. After being married for three years, it was our scheduled time to begin having children. It didn’t happen. A year went by and then two and finally in our third year of trying, I began getting depressed. No medical reason could be found as to why we were not getting pregnant. I became really angry with God because He was causing this. He was punishing us for some reason. He was upsetting our schedule! My parents were questioning us as to when we would give them grandchildren. All of our friends were having children and we didn’t fit in with them anymore. For goodness sakes, even my 16 year old cousin who wasn’t married was having a baby! The more time went on, the angrier I got and more depressed I became. I begged and begged God to allow us to have a child. Finally, after taking fertility drugs, we became pregnant. But, it wasn’t just one baby. It was three. Again, I asked God why He was doing this to us! Why would He give us three children when we only wanted one and how would we ever be able to afford them? I became depressed but eventually I started getting used to the idea.
At 14 weeks, my husband lost his job and again, our world was rocked. Now we have a “pre-existing condition” and a high risk pregnancy with three babies on the way! Little did we know that just a week later we would lose one of our babies and learned it had a rare and severe skull deformity. This was right when I was just getting used to the idea of triplets. Along with that, we were at a high risk of losing the entire pregnancy. I began begging God once again to spare these two children and not take them from us. I promised Him that if He would spare them that I would give them completely to Him. I promised to raise them fully for Him because He has shown me that I am not in control at all. Nothing I can do will bring life to these two children except Him. I realized at that point that God controls my life, not me.
Because my husband is in sales and travels constantly, I found it very comforting that he could be home with me during that time and we could grieve together. Amazingly, I never passed that baby. Had I miscarried, the chances were great that I would miscarry them all. Three weeks later my husband got a new job and they graciously agreed to pick up a separate medical policy for us until after the now twins were born. I started to see how God wanted to provide for us and wanted us to trust Him with our future. I realized the timing of losing the job was actually a blessing in disguise.
At 8 months pregnancy, we found our babies were in crisis again. We had twin to twin transfusion and one baby was in a life threatening situation. Again, I begged God to spare these two children. An emergency C-Section brought a safe delivery of two healthy babies but along with that, I delivered a tiny little enclosed sack of bones. This was our third baby that remained in-tact until the other two were safely delivered. I saw that as a reminder of the promise I made to God. These were His children, not mine and my life is His and not my own. I would begin from that day forward to live for Him and not for me.
Shortly after that, I began studying His Word and found that I really did understand it. I found that there were so many lies I believed over my life just because I had not been reading it and didn’t know it. I could not get enough of His Word or His people and found a new family with His family. I found people who would pray with us, encourage us and study His Word with us. Church became a whole new experience. My “surviving twins” are grown now. We are blessed with a boy and a girl and both are believers. I look forward to meeting our third little one in heaven one day and learn if we have another girl or another boy. I know God has kept that baby safely with Him and that he or she has a perfect little head. He will reunite us again someday.
I thank God for that awakening that forced me to fall to my knees and finally give Jesus my life. Had I gone on with my life as I had planned, there was no need for Him in it. I praise God daily that He knew the exact thing I needed to submit my life to Him and now I know that my life and plans are solely in His hands. What indescribable peace that brings to know I am going to heaven but not because of anything I did or can do, but because of what He did for me. His plans are perfect and I now I know that living in the center of His will and living in His timing is the best place I can be!