For anyone who feels down, struggling, hurt, insecure, feel worthless, I know what you are going through. I will pray for you. God has a plan for you. You just have to be ready to listen. I thought 13 years ago I had found my faith and I wouldn’t ever let that great relationship go. I was doing what I thought was enough. I was going to church 3 days a week, involved in study groups, hung out with my church friends and dated a girl from the church. But there I was 2 years later, and the relationship had been crippled. I stopped going to church much, I kept talking to Him, but not on a regular basis and not with any conviction. As the years went by, my life unraveled as I let my demons get the best of me, time and time again. I always had great intentions and I don’t like to hurt people. But it would happen nevertheless. I was powerless and all the help I went through, decades of counseling, did nothing for me. I had a whole in my heart. I went through some dark times and almost shot myself by accident. Yet still I didn’t come to Him. I was totally broken. I didn’t know what to do. I met my wife and I moved to Kansas City. I felt better, but I was still broken. During the hard times in my marriage, my saving grace was Dylan. She filled a whole in my heart that no one ever had. I felt at peace for the first time since I was a young kid. When my thoughts were wicked, I could look at her and she made everything better. But I still didn’t feel right. I still felt like I had no control in my life. I wanted to change the way I did certain things, but I couldn’t
A buddy of mine that I worked with asked me to come to church with him and I walked in at it felt good, really good. I started going some but not fully committed. My life was still not settled, I was not at peace. After 3 years of this back and forth, but really going anywhere, I was in between jobs and I met with the pastor. Great genuine guy, Chad McDonald. We met for 6 weeks straight, and I felt connected to Jesus and the church like never before. I read the first 4 books of the bible, every night for 1 hour. Then I stopped. I was just too busy. Injuries, ballooning to 240 lbs from 180, stress, confusion, you name it. My life was not in control. I am so good at being able to control so many things, but this continued to be elusive. Why. Why the hell can I not get it together? Why is work the only thing I am truly good at daily? I talk to Jesus daily. Sometimes many times a day. I ask for things for my family, for their wellbeing, for others. I always say to give me their pain, I can take it. Yet I still felt no better. I was confused being belief. I was NOT LISTENING! he was speaking to me the whole time, I was just deaf. I woke up after going to church today and it hit me after the sermon today. SURRENDER TO ME, I WILL SET YOU FREE. I LOVE YOU. I finally got it. I knew why I never got it. I was not walking the path, His path. I was walking mine. I was thinking I could fix it somehow. I WAS WRONG. HE IS RIGHT. This is my testimony to God, my family, my friends, and anyone who is in a darker place than they want to be, just listen, he loves you and is always there for you.
If I can overcome everything that has gone on in my life, from being abused in foster care before I was adopted, to having parents that loved me a ton, but for years didn’t talk much and at times still don’t quite jive. To having a sister kill herself because her demons crushed her and she never listened. To making the same mistakes over and over. To losing your dream job because your body fails you. YOU CAN DO IT TOO. HE IS WAITING. Just listen. Without his will, I would not be able to do this, to share, to heal, to just be free of control and live his path. I now know what was missing, HIM. I am not proofreading this so accept any off sentences or typos. I am enclosing a picture. I am now at 193 on the way to 185. Only through his grace and love has he helped me achieve this. I have never been able to do it on my own. He wants me to be healthy every day for my family. If you know me and see me, I would enjoy speaking with you anytime. If I don’t know you, I would be happy to talk or listen. Love to all an Grace to God.