From the time I was born, I was surrounded by a loving family that was firm in their salvation. I remember giving my heart to Lord when I young and always looking forward to the plans and purpose that God had for my life. As a child, you think that because you’re serving the Lord, life will be rainbows and butterflies but as you walk through your Christian life you come to realize there are many trials to be faced.
At the age of three I stopped walking and was very sick all the time. I went to multiple doctors where I was tested for arthritis and eventually diagnosed with cancer. My parents never lost sight of the calling placed on my life and they continually prayed for my healing. A couple months later, there was no trace of cancer or pain in my body.
Around the age of 15 I began to have this pain again and would get sick on a monthly basis. At this time, I was diagnosed with lymes disease which attacks your joints, immune system and nervous system. At the same time, I found out that my Dad was offered a position at a church in New York and we would be moving in the next couple months. Leaving all of my friends, some of my family, and my school behind. Everything I knew, suddenly felt like it was falling apart. Moving from Florida to New York left me feeling completely alone and abandoned.
I was faced with anxiety and depression and didn’t want anything to do with God or people in general. I decided that my new school was going to be a place that no one would know I was a pastor’s kid or a Christian. I found myself at parties surrounded by fifty plus people and at the end of the night, I still felt alone.
In January of 2016, my grandpa passed away from brain cancer. All I could think to myself, is how could God do all of this to me? If I am his child and he loves me, why would he put me through so much hurt and heartache? So, I continued to party on Saturdays then went to church on Sundays with my family. It was no secret to my family or my church that I did not want anything to do with God or his people. I would spend hours in my room alone because I had no true friends, didn’t want anything to do with my God-loving family, and certainly didn’t want to be around church people after walking away from God.
I remember one afternoon, tears rolling down my face, I began to tell my parents exactly how I felt and that is when I heard God speak to me. “I needed you to see how much you needed me.” God knew exactly what I wanted in order for me to feel content and happy in life. The things I wanted, I wasn’t finding in him, but in other people and things. God needed to take everything from me so that I could find myself in him.
That night, I decided to rededicate my life to the Lord. Although I don’t remember the exact date, I realized that was the greatest day of my life. It was nothing more than a simple prayer. I asked God to forgive me for walking away and I asked him to help me grow in him. I realized I didn’t want to do anything in my strength anymore and I certainly didn’t want to go where God did not lead me. I continued to follow him and ask him for guidance every day.
The most revealing thing I learned in this time was that, growing in God is a continual process. I didn’t get it right every day and there were times that I wanted to give up but I learned to ask God for strength when I needed it the most. As I began to read God’s words more and pray to God about the little things, I started to see a great change in my personality. I began to look at things in a more positive way instead of being angry and mad all of the time. I went from a place of anxiety and depression to knowing that God is my peace and contentment.
God began to work in me and change my heart, slowly and gradually. The moment I realized my walk with God was a never-ending journey, I understood that I didn’t have to have it all together. God took my brokenness and turned it into wholeness through him. He used my story to encourage numerous teenagers and give them the hope that I received. God used my weaknesses to encourage others that dealt with similar situations to mine. My greatest fear was not being good enough to come back into relationship with Christ but he revealed to me that none of us are ever good enough. No one deserves to be saved but Christ loves his people so much that we are able to come to him no matter what mistakes we have made. Grace is the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God and this grace is offered to everyone.