My name is Julie. I grew up as a missionary kid. Some of my earliest memories were of gathering in the living room with my family, in a small Alaskan village, and having family devotions. I believe that I realized I was a sinner at a young age, and I remember talking to my dad and making a decision to follow Jesus when I was 4. However, all through my growing up years I was plagued with doubts. My biggest fear was somehow dying and not waking up in Heaven. Every time there was an alter call at church, I prayed the prayer again. I had a very legalistic view of God, and didn’t understand, God forgives- past, present and future sins- period. I always felt I couldn’t have a relationship with God because I kept sinning. In college I went forward at a revival service and made a final “assurance of salvation”.
The older I got the more I understood that it’s my love for God that helps me to live like him and it’s not a list of “do this” and “don’t do that”. When God looks at me, it’s through Jesus that he sees me. I’m covered by Jesus blood. I confessed with my mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believed in my heart that God raised him from the dead. I was going to sin again, but God forgave me and I didn’t need to live in a perpetual state of guilt. Even though my doubts of salvation were gone, I still wondered if being faced with death would scare me. Honestly, dying did scare me. In 2012 I was pregnant with our 5th child. Our 4th child went in for her 18month well-child check up. It was discovered that she had a huge tumor on her abdomen. She was diagnosed with high risk neuroblastoma. It’s an aggressive childhood cancer. The day before she was to start chemo, I went into labor. After a horrific labor I had to have an emergency c-section. The labor had reached a point of danger that it was a slash and grab thing to save the baby and myself. My baby had jammed his head into my ribs and his feet were in my pelvic bone and I had labored for 10 hrs with him like that. He was so stuck that they had to wrestle him out of my womb. I remember when I was going under for surgery, that I really felt like I was dying. I remember thinking, “wow, I don’t know if I will wake up from this” and all I felt was peace!
God used this very difficult experience to give me the peace I had struggled with for most of my life. I know that God had to send Jesus because our world was broken by sin. I know he came as a baby, lived a sinless life, died as the perfect sacrifice for MY sin and yours! He rose from the dead and is preparing a place for those who give their life to Him! I knew that if I died I would wake up in Heaven. I did survive and our baby boy was born in rough shape, and spent 3 weeks in the NICU, but he survived too. Our daughter went through a year and a half of horrific cancer treatments. Our faith was tested and my husband and I had one of our most intimate moments in our marriage. We hit a point of complete brokenness together, before God. Our baby girl was going to go through a cancer journey that we didn’t know if she would survive or not. We decided, together, that “no matter what, we are going to trust God” “even if…. Taylor died”.
Because of our HOPE of a risen Savior and his work on the cross, we knew that even if Taylor died, we knew we would see her again someday. Would it be horrible and would we be sad? Absolutely. But we were not without hope. She survived and she became our living miracle. Our physical reminder of Gods grace. My perspective went from uncertainty about my standing before God, to having a laser focus on Heaven. Looking forward to Heaven and an eternity with no more tears, pain, sorrow, no more sin, no more worries, and only Jesus fills me with SO. MUCH. JOY. Our daughter went through another, equally scary health crisis, where we didn’t know if she would survive (another long story for another day), in 2022. Remembering how God brought us through the valley of the shadow of death, and knowing He would walk with us once again, was very faith building. Once again we stood on our “even if…” decision, and once again she became our living miracle. God has been so good and gracious to us! Our two time survivor, Tay the Fierce, is alive and well. God is faithful, and good. He fills us with joy and peace. He’s preparing that mansion for us in glory and someday, I won’t walk into Jesus arms, I will run!